I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
