You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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