I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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