I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think my moral compass just broke
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
