I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
