oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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