I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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