Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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