The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
