I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
