I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
