remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
