I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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