I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
