i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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