I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
