I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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