The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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