I wannas sexs uuuuu
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
