You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am naked and annoyed.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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