Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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