i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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