i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
