you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
high people should be assigned attendants
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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