I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
