you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
