Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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