Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
