there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
