I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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