Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
