then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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