It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I need to calm my uterus...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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