Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
