i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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