There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
