I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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