my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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