I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
