Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
