I feel great
I just peed on a car
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
