I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
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It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.