I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"