He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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