checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
