I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
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so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize