Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
