I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
