Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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