I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
