so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
