her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
