Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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