I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
