i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
